8) April 4th (D+12)

I spend a great amount of time on Instagram, waiting for your next post. I’ve read the hashtags of your recent posts (since I departed, basically) so many times that I now know them by heart. It took me a good 5 minutes staring at “hair in light” (yes I decided to name your pieces of art since you wouldn’t) to understand where it had been taken from. I like “future civil engineer” and “my mark forever”. I was submerged by mixed emotions with “Happy Island from a plane”. Happy you did something for 1b break, proud of you for moving on and enjoy life. Sad that you’re moving on without me. Jealous to experience what would have been MY life from outside. Caught between wishing you all the happiness in the world and knowing that without you in it, my life won’t know happiness. And then comes “the lighthouse”. Like for every other of your posts, I’ve read again and again the hashtags looking for a message, a sign toward me. Which is kind of stupid, knowing that you never put any messages or hidden signs for me in your posts before.  But this time there was a several ones that caught my attention. Suddenly, my heart started to race, my breath got shorter. I felt alive for the first time since I left Glen Oaks. I started to cry and without really meaning to, I double tapped the picture and liked it. I immediately undid it. I didn’t want to break our agreement to stay away. But then I thought that maybe you’d see it anyway and see I undid it. I felt stupid and childish. So I liked it back.  I really don’t know if those hashtags were meant for me and I’m not sure I want to know. I’m just glad that you’re healing. I love you. I’m sorry.

New whatsap status: “04/04: #S116: (emote of statue of liberty)? (Emote of red circle)? (crying emote)(crying emote)(crying emote)”. Every time I change my status, I check yours but it’s still “available”.