Hello darkness my old friend.

I spend a great amount of time on Instagram, waiting for your next post. I’ve read the hashtags of your recent posts (since I departed, basically) so many times that I now know them by heart. It took me a good 5 minutes staring at “hair in light” (yes I decided to name your pieces of art since you wouldn’t) to understand where it had been taken from. I like “future civil engineer” and “my mark forever”. I was submerged by mixed emotions with “Happy Island from a plane”. Happy you did something for 1b break, proud of you for moving on and enjoy life. Sad that you’re moving on without me. Jealous to experience what would have been MY life from outside. Caught between wishing you all the happiness in the world and knowing that without you in it, my life won’t know happiness. And then comes “the lighthouse”. Like for every other of your posts, I’ve read again and again the hashtags looking for a message, a sign toward me. Which is kind of stupid, knowing that you never put any ...

You’re the most amazing wonderful person I’ve met and I both feel blessed for having met you and devastated for I lost you. And the tough part is that I don’t have anybody but me to blame. And it’s not even a mistake I made, something I can undo or work to get forgiven. It’s because of who I am, because of that sick 1% of my brain. It’s just me. How am I supposed not to hate myself? I am the reason why my whole world collapsed and disappeared in front of my astonished eyes. And there is nothing I can do to change that. Since I last kiss you, I’ve felt like I was living in some twisted bad dream. And I can’t seem to be able to wake up from it. I’ve prayed (and keep praying) so many times for 1b to be fine, to have a happy life. I want her to have the best life possible even though it means that for now I need to stay away from her, no matter how hard and painful it is for me. It’s so very unfair for you and I don’t know how to apologize enough for it. You deserve the b...

I’ve cried my eyeballs out watching Grey’s…On one hand there is this dying Rabbi that tells you that you can’t only have faith when things are good so I take it as I should keep faith even more when darkness is all over me, smothering me but on the other hand, you have Hunt that finally takes the necessary steps to get his version of chap15 and only gets 24 hours… just like I got my one week of paradise before my own monster decided my happiness had to end. That I had to go back into darkness. That my lighthouse should be taken away from me and the storm should come back and stay perpetually. I was going to send you this today but I saw you were on vacations so I decided to wait. It’s unfair of me to unload my burden on you while you’re out and trying to heal yourself.

Well, the day is over now and yet I’m still waiting, hoping, wishing that my last days were just some kind of twisted mean April’s fool prank and that life is going to get back to normal. Spoiler alert: it’s not a prank. Nobody is going to scream “surprise!!”. This is my life now.