6) April 2nd (D+10)


I’ve cried my eyeballs out watching Grey’s…On one hand there is this dying Rabbi that tells you that you can’t only have faith when things are good so I take it as I should keep faith even more when darkness is all over me, smothering me but on the other hand, you have Hunt that finally takes the necessary steps to get his version of chap15 and only gets 24 hours… just like I got my one week of paradise before my own monster decided my happiness had to end. That I had to go back into darkness. That my lighthouse should be taken away from me and the storm should come back and stay perpetually.
I was going to send you this today but I saw you were on vacations so I decided to wait. It’s unfair of me to unload my burden on you while you’re out and trying to heal yourself.

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8) April 4th (D+12)

I spend a great amount of time on Instagram, waiting for your next post. I’ve read the hashtags of your recent posts (since I departed, basically) so many times that I now know them by heart. It took me a good 5 minutes staring at “hair in light” (yes I decided to name your pieces of art since you wouldn’t) to understand where it had been taken from. I like “future civil engineer” and “my mark forever”. I was submerged by mixed emotions with “Happy Island from a plane”. Happy you did something for 1b break, proud of you for moving on and enjoy life. Sad that you’re moving on without me. Jealous to experience what would have been MY life from outside. Caught between wishing you all the happiness in the world and knowing that without you in it, my life won’t know happiness. And then comes “the lighthouse”. Like for every other of your posts, I’ve read again and again the hashtags looking for a message, a sign toward me. Which is kind of stupid, knowing that you never put any ...
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4) March 31th (D+8)

Home bitter home! Home sad home! I’m back at the facility. I can see disappointment in the eyes of the people that saw me leaving and now see me coming back. But I’m numb to what they can think. I feel like I’m protected from their judgments by a shell. A shell made of my own guilt, despitefulness, sorrows, darkness. I carry that heavy shell all around.
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