7) April 3rd (D+11)


You’re the most amazing wonderful person I’ve met and I both feel blessed for having met you and devastated for I lost you.
And the tough part is that I don’t have anybody but me to blame. And it’s not even a mistake I made, something I can undo or work to get forgiven. It’s because of who I am, because of that sick 1% of my brain. It’s just me. How am I supposed not to hate myself? I am the reason why my whole world collapsed and disappeared in front of my astonished eyes. And there is nothing I can do to change that.
Since I last kiss you, I’ve felt like I was living in some twisted bad dream. And I can’t seem to be able to wake up from it.
I’ve prayed (and keep praying) so many times for 1b to be fine, to have a happy life. I want her to have the best life possible even though it means that for now I need to stay away from her, no matter how hard and painful it is for me. It’s so very unfair for you and I don’t know how to apologize enough for it. You deserve the best and I hope and I pray that I’ll get another chance at being the one to give you the best and I hope and I pray that when I heal, you will still have it in you to open the door and give me that chance of making you the happiest woman on Earth.
I found out I can stack whatsap statuses so I added one today. “04/03: Hello darkness my old friend”

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8) April 4th (D+12)

I spend a great amount of time on Instagram, waiting for your next post. I’ve read the hashtags of your recent posts (since I departed, basically) so many times that I now know them by heart. It took me a good 5 minutes staring at “hair in light” (yes I decided to name your pieces of art since you wouldn’t) to understand where it had been taken from. I like “future civil engineer” and “my mark forever”. I was submerged by mixed emotions with “Happy Island from a plane”. Happy you did something for 1b break, proud of you for moving on and enjoy life. Sad that you’re moving on without me. Jealous to experience what would have been MY life from outside. Caught between wishing you all the happiness in the world and knowing that without you in it, my life won’t know happiness. And then comes “the lighthouse”. Like for every other of your posts, I’ve read again and again the hashtags looking for a message, a sign toward me. Which is kind of stupid, knowing that you never put any ...
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4) March 31th (D+8)

Home bitter home! Home sad home! I’m back at the facility. I can see disappointment in the eyes of the people that saw me leaving and now see me coming back. But I’m numb to what they can think. I feel like I’m protected from their judgments by a shell. A shell made of my own guilt, despitefulness, sorrows, darkness. I carry that heavy shell all around.
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