Olivier told me to write, to jot thoughts and feelings. And since they are pretty much all for/about you, I decided to publish them. Truth be told, it takes my mind off things and I don't even know if I'll share it with you one day...
1) March 25th (D+2)
And the
jacarandas spoke your name and melted my soul into tears that fell down my
beard like jacarandas flowers fall on the ground.
I spend a great amount of time on Instagram, waiting for your next post. I’ve read the hashtags of your recent posts (since I departed, basically) so many times that I now know them by heart. It took me a good 5 minutes staring at “hair in light” (yes I decided to name your pieces of art since you wouldn’t) to understand where it had been taken from. I like “future civil engineer” and “my mark forever”. I was submerged by mixed emotions with “Happy Island from a plane”. Happy you did something for 1b break, proud of you for moving on and enjoy life. Sad that you’re moving on without me. Jealous to experience what would have been MY life from outside. Caught between wishing you all the happiness in the world and knowing that without you in it, my life won’t know happiness. And then comes “the lighthouse”. Like for every other of your posts, I’ve read again and again the hashtags looking for a message, a sign toward me. Which is kind of stupid, knowing that you never put any ...
Home bitter home! Home sad home! I’m back at the facility. I can see disappointment in the eyes of the people that saw me leaving and now see me coming back. But I’m numb to what they can think. I feel like I’m protected from their judgments by a shell. A shell made of my own guilt, despitefulness, sorrows, darkness. I carry that heavy shell all around.